5 Practices to a More Confident You

We can really get caught up in the idea that confidence is key, especially when it comes to relationships and feeling free to approach someone you are interested in. Why is it that some people seem to have it in spades and others don’t. Is there a confidence gene some were born with and others missed out on?

Being confident doesn't mean being arrogant or overbearing, it doesn’t mean showing off or being the boldest one in the room. It doesn’t come from how much we know, how experienced we are, how much we make or how good we look.

In fact, what if true confidence was our innate nature. What if it was what was left when we let go of the thinking that is clouding it in the moment?

I’ve been in conversations recently with guys who I would say are pretty confident around women. I like listening to them, I like observing them. I like to notice how they think and just as importantly, how they don’t think.

I’ve been on my own journey with confidence too, I used to always wish I had more. As a kid who was told very early on that she was shy, that viewpoint was reinforced throughout all my school years. When I was younger it was only sports where I really experienced confidence and feeling fully alive. I thought confidence came from being good at something. I was gifted when it came to sports. So I made the correlation… when you’re good at something, you’re confident. When you’re not. You aren’t.

Today, there are two questions I really like to ask people when I work with someone on confidence. What are you feeling? And where do you think that feeling comes from?

Most people point to something outside of themselves. An event, a person, a circumstance. “I’m new to this so I don’t feel confident with it yet” “She is so beautiful it makes me nervous”. That kind of thing. But rarely do people point within to their own thinking.

Now, there is so much hope that comes from this understanding of the human design. That our thoughts are responsible for our feelings of confidence (or lack of) because it puts the power back into our control. We don’t need anything outside of us to change for us to experience more confidence in our lives. We simply get to look within and question the learned beliefs and programming that is currently running our system. So that we can fall back to our natural confident state.

Watch what happens… you feel confident / comfortable. Then you have the thought… uh oh… what if she says no? It will be so embarrassing, it will mean I am not enough, I will have been rejected. All of a sudden you’re in a different feeling and you are reacting differently.

Who would you be without BELIEVING those thoughts? Sure, she might say no, that might be true, but the rest of it isn’t! The meaning you are making up about the no is so far removed from Truth. Humans are meaning making machines. And then we fall for the rules and instructions we made up in our minds as though they are facts.

This is why a lot of my work with people cuts much deeper than simply action steps to take. It looks within, to the stuff that really enables transformation.

And saying that, there are also practical things we can do to train our minds. Because it is not quite as simple as saying… well I just won’t think about that then. Your mind loves to think! So offering up something else for it to focus on can be a great way of redirecting it so that it serve you better.

Let’s stay with the context of speaking to someone you like. And as with any of my teachings, I urge you to practice this. Don’t take my word for it. Try it out for yourself.

Here are 5 practices to develop to reconnect you with your natural confident state.

1. Put your focus on making the other person feel safe, heard and understood.

When engaging in conversation with someone you're interested in, shift your focus away from yourself and redirect it towards the other person. Instead of worrying about how you're doing or what they think of you, prioritize making them feel safe, heard and understood. When you are genuinely interested in what they are saying your mind is automatically redirected from caring about how you look or sound and that creates a different feeling within.

2. Stop putting people on a pedestal.

It's natural to admire someone you're attracted to, but there’s a big difference between appreciating someone and placing them on a pedestal. When you pedestal place, you have created a hierarchy, and in that gap, comes the suffering. We can get lost in assumptions and stories of who we believe someone to be. Instead, see the human across from you. Look for the similarities and choose to value and appreciate people’s differences equally, including your own! What if you got into the practice of seeing everyone as equal? Try it out, everywhere you go. Where might you be unknowingly creating yourself on a pedestal in places and seeking validation and approval from being better than another? It goes both ways.

3. Enjoy the process of getting to know someone.

While it's human to have hopes and desires, placing excessive emphasis on the outcome of a conversation can lead to anxiety and self-doubt. Instead, detach yourself from specific expectations. Rather than getting fixed over the end result or potential romantic outcome, embrace the journey of getting to know someone new. By shifting your focus to the present moment, you release unnecessary pressure and allow yourself to be more authentic. Whether it turns out to be a 5 minute conversation or a lifetime adventure, releasing the expectation or need for a certain outcome will allow you to ease into the conversation. Nowhere to get to, just this moment to enjoy.

4. Know who you are, you are enough already.

Understand that you are a unique individual with your own strengths, qualities, and experiences. Embrace your authentic self and be comfortable with who you are. Boy did we learn from a young age that we must achieve to get love, that we must do well to be validated. Well, I call BS on that way of living. Your worth does not depend on someone else's approval or validation. By having a grounded sense of self, you radiate an energy that is attractive to others. Remember, you have qualities that make you interesting and deserving of genuine connections, are YOU connected to those qualities?

5. Change the channel.

Cultivate this connection to your qualities by focusing on them more, by allowing yourself to really see them. Humans tend to get super interested in the thoughts of self-doubt and smallness, like the way to become more confident is to focus on the doubt?! It would be like watching a TV channel all focused on doom and gloom and expecting to feel happy all the time. Change the channel, redirect your focus. Be willing to sit in a different perspective about yourself. What would happen if you spent more time focused on your greatness and less time focused on the doubt?

I’m so passionate about helping people rediscover their confident state, I think we play a much smaller game of life when we believe we need to be more confident first. And I love helping people play a more expansive game.

So get into a practice using the 5 steps above, and let me know how it goes.

In loving service,

Lisa x