Why Brilliant Women Shut Down When They Hear Feedback

And How to Transform This Into Your Greatest Leadership Edge

For many women I work with - especially those who are thoughtful, brilliant, driven - the word feedback doesn’t always land as neutral information. It can arrive as a threat. A potential rupture. A confirmation of what their inner critic has been whispering all along.

They know, intellectually, that feedback is supposed to help them grow. But when the spotlight turns inward, something visceral happens. The breath shortens. The stomach tightens. The story machine spins into gear.

“Am I not good enough?” “Shouldn’t I have known better?” “They’ve seen through me now…”

Because for so many women, feedback has been historically fused with identity.

We internalise it not as, “Here’s a place I could grow,” but as, “Here’s evidence that I’m not who I hoped I was.” And for high-achievers, this isn’t just inconvenient - it can feel like collapse. Because when your sense of worth has been tightly woven into performance, validation, and being seen as competent… feedback doesn’t just touch the work. It touches you.

I saw this so clearly in a recent session with a deeply insightful woman - bright as a button, driven by purpose and care. She’d delivered a presentation that mattered to her and had received some structured feedback afterward. Nothing dramatic. Nothing cruel. And yet, within moments of hearing the comments, her nervous system spiralled into shutdown. She couldn't stop thinking about it. She questioned everything - her ability, her direction, even whether she belonged in the position at all.

And what struck me most wasn't her reaction - it’s that this reaction is so common, and so under-recognised.

Because this is what happens when we haven’t been taught how to hold feedback separate from our sense of self.

This is what happens when we haven’t been supported to process vulnerability as part of the learning curve - not as failure.

This is what happens when brilliance lives alongside deep inner sensitivity, and no one ever taught us that the two can coexist, powerfully.

So how do we reclaim our relationship with feedback?

Not by toughening up. Not by “taking it on the chin.”

But by slowing down the interpretation process.

Feedback isn’t a verdict. It’s a mirror - one that’s only as distorted as our own self-perception. If we look at it through the lens of unworthiness, we’ll see confirmation of every doubt. If we meet it through the lens of grounded self-awareness, we can begin to ask:

“What here is helpful?”

“What belongs to me, and what doesn’t?”

“What am I making this mean - and is that actually true?”

When we do this, feedback becomes something else entirely. Not a test. Not a threat. But a tool. A window. A chance to stretch, not shrink.

And for many women - especially the ones who’ve spent years proving, performing, and perfecting - this is a radical shift. Because receiving feedback well doesn’t mean you’ve hardened your heart. It means you’ve softened your relationship with yourself.

When you’re no longer living from the belief that you have to be flawless to be worthy.

When you’re not attached to the thinking that YOU are placing on the feedback. Feedback loses its power to wound - and gains the power to guide.

This kind of growth work isn’t glamorous. It isn’t showy offy, centre stage stuff. This kind of expansion happens behind the scenes. In inquiry. In coaching calls. It’s the work of women who are learning to stay with themselves and look again at who is here. To take radical compassionate ownership for their own expansion, even when things feel tender - and that, more than any external accolade, is a mark of profound leadership.

So the next time feedback stings, pause before the spiral.

Take a breath.

Ask yourself not just, “What do I need to fix?” but “What do I need to remember about who I am?”

Because defence is the first act of war. And the real work isn’t in avoiding feedback.

It’s in removing the automatic judgement to it, and becoming more anchored in our own grounded sense of self.

Next time you receive feedback (big or small), pause before reacting.

Place your hand on your chest or stomach - somewhere grounding - and ask yourself:

“What part of me feels threatened by this?” “

Is this touching an old wound or a present truth?”

“How would I receive this if my worth wasn’t on the line?”

Want help to reclaim your relationship with feedback and step into more grounded leadership of your life, business, relationships?

If you're ready to untangle your worth from your performance and learn to receive feedback as the gift it's meant to be, I'd love to support you. This isn't about developing thicker skin - it's about developing deeper self-awareness and inner knowing.

Book a discovery call and transform feedback from a threat into a tool for growth. Because the world needs your brilliance - not dimmed by self-doubt, but illuminated by self-compassion.

Book Your Call Here and Let's begin.